Click for the latest Flushing weather forecast.

January 30, 2008

The Anthropology of a Guido

Hello everyone, this is Anthropology 101. We will be discussing the anatomy of many different creatures, from extinct to endangered, from simple to complex, through their evolutions. Last week I believed we left off during a discussion of the of progression of what we are today, homo-sapien.

To refresh your memory, it all started off with Homo-ergaster, predominantly in Africa. Homo-ergaster evolved into homo-erectus who lived in Asia, and homo-antecessor who lived in Africa as well as Europe. From Homo-antecessor came Homo-rhodesiensis. These evolved into what we know as neanderthals, and what we know as homo-sapiens, or humans.

Are you taking notes? This is alot of information. Anyway, this is where we left off. Homo-sapien is not the final step evolution. Yes, many homo-sapiens still live today, but there is a fairly new species that lives among us.

From homo-sapien, a species that lives in the major 6 continents, we can derive a new species known as Homo-blowoutus. Homo-blowoutus (unlike the other prior species that aided in human progression and helped humans live in whatever situation they were faced, whether it be snow, extreme heat or starvation) is a fairly new, all male and, for lack of a better word, a dead-end species. Homo-blowoutus reside mostly in Northeastern United States (especially upepr-class urban parts of New York and New Jersey).

They are a pest to their fellow Homo-sapien. They take up space at places where homo-sapien enjoy to build their strength, and they create turmoil by making loud noises and excreting (along with sweat) a gooey substance from the hair atop their head (we will talk about their peculiar hair later in the lesson).

Homo-blowoutus breeding grounds, predominately locations known as "clubs" and "Armani Exchange" which are taking up precious space where homo-sapien could be adding to the value of land, by creating purposeful businesses and medical centers. While homo-sapien are every day helping out society, these pests are clogging up space.

Their massive egos eat up a large portion of bandwith, especially on websites known as "Myspace" "Youtube" or "Facebook." Anti-homo-blowoutus websites do exist but are dangerous, because they contain pictures and sometimes rare-footage of the homo-blowoutus, which is of course, wasted bandwith. And in turn the whole website ironically only aids their cause: attracting attention.

As I mentioned before, the peculiar spikes perched atop their heads, what they call "hair," attracts unwanted attention from homo-sapien. There have been many incidents of the clashing of sapien and blowoutus. Fortunately for the sapien, blowoutus' blaring weakness is their hair. When touched, they become paniced and full of rage. This rage, in turn, creates havoc and eventually more touching of the hair. They withdraw immediately to restore their "hair" to its prior state, usually returning back to its home nest or den. It is unknown why the hair is so important and what pain is caused to blowoutus when hair is touched, but extensive research is being conducted.
Oddly enough, these spikes lose their potency only a few years after the blowoutus has been erected. The spikes begin to recede and eventually diminish to the point of complete annihilation of the member of the species. Once the blowoutus tries to once again mingle with the sapien, it is ostracized.

Homo-blowoutus has been existent for almost half a decade, and its existence is finally being targeted. Younger members of the species are being instructed to turn back their ways and try to be sapien once again. Some have been saved, others have not.

Luckily for the sapien population, blowoutus are unable to reproduce with sapien. For reasons we are unsure of, their genitals are not only significantly smaller, but are not able to produce enzymes that aid in reproduction. Once again, for lack of a better word, they are sterile. It has been hypothesized that blowoutus has tried to reproduce with each other, and there is much evidence pointing in that direction.

The existent of blowoutus has remained at a steady number, but sooner or later these numbers will fall. If not, sapien will have to deal with a neighbor that it will never be accustomed to. If the blowoutus does not become extinct, some predict a war.

That's all the time we have for today, ladies and gentlemen. Get home safe.